Thru That Darkest Door

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Following my inner calling can lead me down a most adventurous path, and part of that journey is death – not necessarily physical death, but the death of something in my life. J. R. R. Tolkien put those oracle words into the mouth of Gandalf, “It’s a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don’t keep your feet, there’s no knowing where you might be swept off to.” 

Such a quest for my inner calling frequently leads to desperate moments in which I question everything and have a sense of being completely lost, in which I feel like a complete failure. This ”dark night of the soul”, as the Christian mystic John of the Cross has put it, seems to be a necessary passageway on this journey to that fertile land of which my longing informs me. Nothing for the faint of heart! But, oh my, how very worth it is the trip, once you’ve arrived, and how so very much worth it do those dark moments feel in hindsight. So, come on, put all your chips on the table and come on board …

Chapters:

• 00:00:00  Intro
• 00:00:26 Thru That Darkest Door – Solo
• 00:02:52 How death taught me to live
• 00:16:21 Thru That Darkest Door (Remix)
• 00:24:03 Outro

Links mentioned in the Podcast:

Charles Eisenstein, The Coronation

You can find more info about what a vision quest is and what it can feel like on our Vision Quest UK page.

Transcript

Thru That Darkest Door

When I left
That old familiar
When I said
All my goodbyes

I could see it
In their faces
I could hear it
In their words

Some said you’re crazy
Some wished they would
Across that shore of cannot
I pushed my little boat

I pushed into the sea
The Sea of Unknown
Which touched that Land of Longing
Which laid before my home

All seas and winds and weathers
Came at me as I went
Waves sky high and seas all flat
That had me
Until I thought
I’m mad

And as I died
Upon my quest
Shed all my tears
My shattered heart
My broken body
My weary soul

Is when I woke up
Tow’ring beaming morning cloud
A scent of flower filled the air

I could not act
I could just take it
Take it into who I am

There it washed me
On that land
That all my longing
Had ever known

There is a way
If you dare take it
All compass needles show

Heaven’s door
For those dare knocking
The way of life
For those that go

To live and see
All that I always knew
To live and be
No longer all important
Completely me
Completely free

The breath of life
Flows endlessly

©️ Laughing Brook/Peter Müller 2024

How death taught me to live

”No one gets out of here alive” is a famous quote by The Doors front man Jim Morrison. He had this strange obsession about death, which is also reflected in the way he died. Yet there is something very true about this sentence. No one get’s out of here alive. And this despite the fact that we so desperately try to escape death – by means of medicine, exercise, technical devices, pushing it towards others – a classic –, even sci-fi-like things like cryo sleep, and a myriad of other ways. As Robert Jordan put it so poignantly in his book The Dragon Reborn, ”death comes to us all.“ But that little gem of wisdom certainly wasn’t invented by him, it’s as old as humanity. The quote continues, though: ”we can only choose how to face it when it comes.” And in there lies another, even deeper well of wisdom, that is worth exploring. 

But before we dive into that, let me quote yet another smart mind, philosopher Charles Eisenstein. In his essay The Coronation which he published in April 2020 at the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic, he speaks about the obsession of our Western culture with escaping and avoiding death at any cost. Which, in hindsight, is exactly what we did during the pandemic. Schools and businesses where shut down, the infamous lockdowns came upon the land, and many more controversial measures. In hindsight, it appears that those lockdowns had very little effect on reigning in the virus, but they did cause a plethora of collateral damage, from destroyed businesses to psychiatric diseases and even deaths. So it appears, Eisenstein was right on topic with his appraisal, and the lack of reflection and learning about what we did then, why we did it, and what our actions lead to – at least here in Germany where I live – is a testimony to this attitude of denial. We are scared shitless about death. It’s the antithesis to all we’re striving for.

Wanting to live is quite natural, and healthy. Yet there is something about our relationship with  death which is worth pondering about. Rather than denying it, which is a form of madness, given the fact that no one gets out of here alive and death comes to us all, we could think about how we want to face it. Which brings us back to Robert Jordan, or if we dig a little deeper, back to the New Testament. In the gospel of John we find Jesus saying: ”Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds.“ Really, this idea of death leading to something new traces back as far as we can see in human history. 

If death is inevitable –  as it is –, it seems quite stupid to deny it, rather than face it and make peace with it. Which is the basic point of all religions, but also a fundamental tenet in philosophy. Because our life is finite, we better wise up and make good use of what life we have and not just take it for granted and waste it. It begs the question: What is really relevant and important. So, rather than putting all my focus on extending the span, the duration of my life – which seems to be what we generally tend to do – I could look at the quality of the life I have and focus on that. For what would be the point of extending the span of my life only to live more drudgery and unfulfilling stuff? That seems quite stupid to do. But, as hint, fear has a lot to do with it, but I’ll save expanding on that for another time.

In his book In Love with the World, Buddhist monk and teacher Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche describes a remarkable journey that lead him to a near death experience. The book is cleverly written to introduce fundamental Buddhist teachings alongside Yongeys experiences. Facing death, he does the exact opposite of what we Westerns tend to do in the face of death. Rather than clinging to life or denying death, he ponders and meditates about how he can let go as totally as possible of anything he is still attached to. His intention is to face death as clean and clear as possible, without any attachments or baggage. 

In his reflection about this process he points to the fact that everything always changes. So it would be mad trying to hold on to things, both material or emotional and psychological, or pretend they last forever. Them good o’le days, they ain’t never not comin’ back no more. And what is now will also perish, sooner or later. So I might as well make peace with that ever flowing stream of change and direct my focus on being fully alive at this moment I have now.

Part of the work I do with people is a format called Vision Quest, or Vision Fast. It has been pioneered and developed by an American couple, Steven Foster and Meredith Little, in the 70ies and 80ies. They, curiously, met while working for a hotline where suicidal people would call in. In its essence, a Vision Quest is built on age-old practices from indigenous traditions around the world, with roots going back to the earliest days of humanity. Those practices are based on experience gathered over many many many generations and human life experiences, tens of thousands of years. In practical terms that means: It’s a proven format that has been used by humans for eons to come to terms with life. At it’s core, a Vision Quest means that you prepare to go out into nature for four days and nights which you spend on your own to face whatever shows up in you. And things do show up, I’ve heard such remarkable stories of questers over the years. This format includes a ceremonial way of facing your own death. The curious thing about it is how facing your own death pretty reliably leads to the effect of becoming more alive, getting in touch with your own essence and hence going forth with leading a life that feels more worth living. If you’re curios, I’m including a link in the show notes for this episode on my website laughingbrook.net where you can get a better idea of what a Vision Quest is, how it works and feels like.

There is a remarkable thing about facing death. It’s not a morbid thing that makes you suicidal, but rather the opposite happens. By facing the reality of death I have become aware how precious life is. I have also learned that all things in life are finite and have their time. I understood that while sometimes it is good and necessary to fight for things, there is also a wisdom in letting go, and not too rarely that is an even greater wisdom. Because as life is about change, letting go means to go with the flow of life. And there are things in life I can only reach, I can only get to, if I go through a passage of death. Some things will never be reached by holding on, but only by letting go.

Those passages along the daring road of dying and letting go can be quite dark and brutal. I touched those areas in other episodes of this podcast like Swan Song and Light So Small. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel and a freedom that comes from deliberately choosing such a path. An interesting term for this is transmutation, check out the episode called New Moon if you’re interested in learning more about it. But at the end of the journey lies something that tends to be worth every step of the way, no matter how painful and dark it has been at stretches. As Matt Johnson of the British band The The has put it so poignantly in a song title: Everybody wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to die. It’s quite a thing to face that darkest door. Just remember, without death there won’t be a resurrection.

Outro:

As all things end, so does this episode. Thank you for listening! But as an ending of one thing is also the beginning of another, there will be a next episode of this podcast. It’s called Toroidal Ambiguation. And if you want to find out, what in all the world this word monster means, you’re invited to listen in. It will be fun, and it has quite a lot to do of what I spoke about in this episode.

My name is Laughing Brook, I am a poet, dancer, mystic, nature coach and man whisperer. If you like what you’ve been hearing and would want to support me, please drop me a positive rating and a comment on which ever platform you are listing to this podcast. Share it with friends – it lives by recommendation. But most of all – come back for the next episode. It may take a bit longer for the next one to come out, your friendly podcast host is on his way to a vacation.

Meanwhile, feel free to take a tour of the episodes that are already online at laughingbrook.net or wherever you listen to podcasts. Thank you for joining me today  , and – keep on flowing, bumping and jumping with the stream of life.